Write about why you are afraid to write. What is your worst writing nightmare? What is the worst thing that can happen if you send 15 minutes a day, every day for the rest of this month, writing?

Reasons I’m afraid to write:

1. I’m scared I’m bad at it (I know I used to be good…what if I’m not anymore?).
2. I’m afraid to fail.
3. I keep comparing myself to those polished, pretty books that are already published.
4. I also compare myself to TV shows I like and movies I enjoy, and I always, ALWAYS come up short.
5. I love it, and somehow don’t think I deserve to enjoy it, so I don’t do it. I self-sabotage instead: overloading/over scheduling myself, or simply doing nothing but staring at screens all day.

I know it’s my own fear and lack of discipline holding me back. And if am to be truly honest, this is my real nemesis:

LACK OF DISCIPLINE!!!!!1111!!!oneone

Which I do think is steeped in fear. You see, I wrote a love story years ago called ONLY YOURS. It was good so good that I landed an agent. A highly respected and well-known agent who really believed in my work even though he knew it would be a hard sell. I was so excited and optimistic. Then the book never sold. Right, I kind of expected that… but it still stung. And the second book I submitted to my agent, he didn’t like, with good reason. It has its moments but it’s not that great. (I mine it for parts now.) I was going through some crazy upheavals in my life, and I fell out of love with writing, I fell out of the habit, and I let fear and stress consume me and block me. Still, that was what broke me. I was so scared that I only had one book in me… and it seems I’ve worked my ass off to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I noticed that rejections like that are crippling to me, which SUCKS because if I want to be a published author, that is NOT the way to be. I remember in college, I took a workshop. The teacher blasted my writing in a way. She told me that I could be a decent writer if I wrote something “real”. (In college, love stories are romances are not looked upon favorably.) I couldn’t write anything for about five years after that. But I slowly began again. And the book that finally came out of those ashes–BECOMING ME–was one I never intended for publication, so I had so much fun writing it. I practiced writing everything! Love scenes, fight scenes, everything. I made them all as cheesy and silly as I wanted, or as serious as I wanted, and had a blast. Once that was done, I started work on ONLY YOURS. That one took about a year to marinate in my brain. I sometimes dig through old hard drives and see all the false starts that I’d forgotten about… anyway, one day, something clicked and it was GO TIME. I wrote that one in six months.

I used to LOVE writing stories so much, and I wrote every chance I got. And now, I am amazed that NYT best-selling authors write fan-fiction—it’s like “HOW in the world do you have the brain power to do that?” And I remember… oh right, I used to be like that. I want that back.

My worst writing nightmare:

1. What if I’m not good enough. For anything. Not even my own personal enjoyment.
2. That I’ve lost it. That my writing muchness is gone. That every fiction piece I produce will be a cesspool of drivel and poo. And also… that I just don’t love it like I used to. OR that I am so jaded by the publishing world (being married to an author has its good side and its bad side—I’ve seen everything) that I’m just…over it.
3. I really want to be published. So, never realizing that dream would hurt. Even if I’m the one blocking my way there.
4. Or, if I DO get published, and it’s a big flop. It’s not carried by any bookstores, the book bloggers refuse to review it (or they all hate it), the trades ignore it, and it ends up in the clearance bin at Half-Price Books, IF EVEN THAT.

The worst thing that can happen if I send 15 minutes a day, every day for the rest of this month, writing:

That I will not have rediscovered my joy and discipline for writing. Or at least…somehow gotten on the path there.

To be honest, I’ve been slowly easing back into the writing world. Besides my apartment being a fall down mess and my love/hate relationship with yoga, I’m pretty settled and content. I’ve found a decent work/life balance. I’ve completed my yoga teaching certification, which is a great overall confidence booster. Rituals, prayers, meditation, dedicating my yoga practice to writing has been helpful. Slowly but surely things are coming back. As I said, I’m the only one standing in my way. It’s time for me to move.

disclaimer: So, I tried to do the WFMAD challenge years ago and I don’t think I got a SINGLE ENTRY down. I KNOW. Maybe I can break some bad habits this year.