Bangs Head Against Wall

frustrated

Why do I do this again?

When is it time to hang it up and either:

1. Give up for good

OR

2. Start something new (even though the well is DRY af)

Too much conflicting advice. Too many opinions.

So.
Many.
Opinions.

Epic failure. Fear. Frustration. Rollercoaster emotions.

Why do I do this?????

How do I learn to trust my gut, when it’s been so wrong in the past?

Striving for perfection that will likely never come, but knowing I have to be 250% to even get *considered* because of… well, reasons.

So tired of being “almost but not quite.” Not just here. Everywhere.

“You’re close, but.”

That’s not enough for me.

“This is special.”

But still, so many things wrong.

Why so much wrong? Still?
And will I ever figure it out?

Tired. So, so tired.

basketballfalling
how writing feels

But I can’t stop. So what does that make me?

PHAIL!

I’ve been terrible at keeping up with this blog. I apologize to all three of you readers. (Hmm, I’m thinking three is generous, actually.)

So much has happened since I last posted. The holidays. I had a birthday. I went to Disney World. I got to see S.J. Tucker sing many times again. I bought stuff. And traveled. And took pictures. But biggest of all: I got a (more than) full-time job as a proofreader at a Retail Marketing Agency. I proofread Sears circulars. Now, if you haven’t fallen down with boredom already, my job can be demanding. There are so many rules and standards and styles. Each business has its own nuisance, and it’s impossible to remember everything. And printer deadlines can hurt. For example, yesterday (it still feels like today because I haven’t gone to bed yet) I worked from 9am-9:30pm. My brain is still recovering.

Because working so much, writing definitely takes a back seat. :( Being a proofreader makes writing hard; because I am concentrating so much on details and minutiae all day, it’s hard to come home and start THINKING again for plotting and whatnot. So what do I do? Waste time playing FarmVille and Cafe World. If I can tear myself away from the computer, I re-read some old favorites. Right now, I am re-reading GOOD GIRLS by Karen Young. It’s an adult book. I’m sure I got it from one of those Romance Book Clubs I was a party of when I was in college. Sort of like Columbia House or the Disney Movie Club, only with books (and wineglasses) instead of CDs and DVDs. I love the book. It came out in 1997. My copy is yellow. No cover. It sleeps in my bed with me at night. That’s a sign of a well-loved book.

I’ve had to replace a few of my favorite books over the years. Flowers in the Attic. (I’m just now learning that there are some who do not like FitA, but I love it. I truly do.) Heaven. Sweet Revenge. I am on multiple copies of all those books, all in various stages of wear and tear. Cause what do I do? I buy “new” used copies to replace my falling down ones!

I haven’t finished reading a new book since the start of 2011. This is bad, because I’ve usually read at least ten new books by now. I tried to read BUTTERFLY, but can’t bring myself to finish it. I’d like to finish LITTLE WOMEN, but it’s on my computer/iPhone and I still have a really hard time reading books on-screen. I will have to pick up a hard copy sooner rather than later. I won a copy of SLICE OF CHERRY by the awesome Dia Reeves (who is not afraid to let her snark flag fly!), but these days, the most free time I get is before bed. I’m kinda scared it’ll give me nightmares if I read it before I go to sleep. :O I think I’ll inhale the thing this weekend, though. It’s sitting here tempting me all day every day (when I’m not at work.)

I still dream of becoming an author. I’m jotting down ideas all the time. Stories are always taking root in my mind. People keep telling me I am a good writer. I just need for one of those stories to take root and blossom. How badly do I want it? Evidently, not badly enough right now. But it’s coming. I can feel it.

.
.
.
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And really, I need to stop making excuses and writing flowery purple prose and just do the damn thing. As Dia Reeves says:

Take the 26 letters of the alphabet and mix them up into sentences and then paragraphs and then chapters and just keep doing that until you get sick of it.

She’s right.

I freaking adore that woman. Anyway, those few of you who have stuck with me through this silly roller coaster I’m on…thank you. See ya soon. :)

Immersion

As long as I was allowed to choose my own bedtime (sometime during my sophomore or junior year in high school), I’ve been a night owl.  There is something about the dark that makes me come alive, and something about a bright, sunny day that makes me want to curl up under the covers and read or sleep.  

Lately, writing ideas and characters have been waking me up at night.  Ideas that run through my head and make my heart pound so much that I’d toss and turn if I knew it wouldn’t wake Adam.  Nothing solid yet, just characters and fleeting plot lines.

I’ve been reading like crazy.  Letting authors inspire me with the way they put together words and craft stories.  Some nights I burst out of bed and get to the laptop, slap down 1500 words or so, but then the next morning, decide that it’s not good enough.

I read my old writing, picking and choosing the stuff that sounds good to recycle, and I shake my head at some of it, silently mouthing “What was I thinking when I wrote that?”  

I miss the writing community.  I want to get involved again.  I met my husband because of writing.  I can also realize some of my other dreams because of it.

I have the time now, so it’s time to finally focus.  If I want to eventually make a living off of this, I need to treat this as a job.  But I still want to enjoy it.  I’ve gotten so far before–I can’t let the disappointment in the nonsale of my first ever submitted novel hold me back anymore.  It’s been years.  GET OVER IT.  I need to stop navel gazing so much and WRITE, dammit.  No matter how hard it might be, just GET IT WRITTEN.

No more excuses.  Just do it. 

Swift kicks in the butt will be greatly welcomed.