Indulge in your worst writing nightmare, the biggest fears that interfere with your work. Write it all down, all of the bad things that you fear could happen to you if you write your story. Then set the piece of paper on fire, dump the ashes into the toilet and flush.

OK OK. I am going to FIGURATIVELY set paper on fire because I have a fear of fire and so I won’t be playing with setting THINGS (other than incense sticks, candles, or sage) on fire OK?

So, here are all the bad things that I feel could happen to me if I write my story.

Huh, as I start to write this, I am realizing that a lot of things I feared have already come to play. I’ve been rejected by agents. I’ve had a manuscript shopped and rejected by every publisher in New York. I wrote another novel, only to have that one rejected by my agent. I’ve had novels workshopped and shit on in front of entire rooms of people.

And I survived.

So, let’s go beyond that. What if I finally get published, and the work doesn’t even get picked up by bookstores? It just languishes in the back rooms of warehouses? It doesn’t go beyond a first printing.

What if I get published, it becomes a NYT Best-seller, and then it gets totally shit on by reviewers?

What if I get published, it becomes a NYT Best-seller, and then it gets totally shit on by everyone?

What if I get published, and I get mega famous, like Stephenie Meyer famous, and my book becomes something to be ridiculed, something that people have to be ashamed that they like?

What if I get published, and I get wildly successful, like JK Rowling successful, and I can’t handle it?

Yeah, I know I am thinking REALLY BIG here. I mean, pipe dream big. And look at the fears. They’re dumb. Why should I care if I’m getting shit on by reviewers–not everyone is going to like my work. And that’s something I have to keep pounding into my head. If my story moves one person, ONE PERSON, that should be enough right? Because I can’t lie and say I’m writing just for myself. Because I’m not. I’m writing because I want people to enjoy and love my stories.

I really worry that I just don’t have it anymore. But then I’ll re-read a blog entry or something and think “Wow, that’s really nice. Maybe I *am* still a writer.”

My fears are all over the place.

But I think my main fear is “What if this is all a waste of time?”

Because that’s what writing is. It’s a gamble. It’s a gamble every single step of the way, and if I’m not doing it simply because I love it and because I have stories that need to be told? Then I’m not a real writer.

If I’m doing it because I hope to be the next blockbuster millionaire? I’m not a real writer.

I have to get back into loving writing for the sake of writing, and if publication and beyond is part of that path, then embrace it! It’ll be a bonus, right?

I’m still trying to find my dharma, and seeing if writing is part of it. It is something that keeps coming up in my life so I think it might be. Now I just need to figure out the means to get there.

Once again, I find myself needing to combine two days into one. Yesterday, I really had no time. I was in jury duty, but instead of sending me to the courthouse downtown that’s three train stops away, I was sent to the courthouse in a suburb that’s about 40 miles away. I had to get to it in rush hour traffic. It took me 90 minutes to get there. When I got there, I was expecting some time to write while I was in the assembly room–but we were all immediately sent to the courtroom, and then I got selected for a jury.

After the trial, Adam and I stayed out in the burbs to avoid rush hour traffic going the other way, and I didn’t get home until after 10pm. Straight to bed with me!

So, here is the prompt from yesterday that I missed:

What kinds of things on the Internet make you a better writer? Be specific—how do they help? What kinds of things make you anxious and fretful about your work or your position in the Universe of Creative People? Do you have the courage to take a three-month hiatus from social media and devote all of that time to reading and writing? What are the steps you’d need to take to make that happen?

There are SO MANY tips and tricks online about being a better writer. There are agents and editors who offer so many great ways to build my worlds, to plot, to create characters. I will skim the blogs and then save the pages I really find valuable in Evernote. If it’s something that I can apply to my current writings, into Scrivener they go.

Sometimes they help. Other times they overwhelm me. Honestly. Because I feel like I will NEVER live up to the things they are prescribing. Obviously I can do it—I’ve done it before. But it’s easy to see all the tips and tricks or whatnot, and to get completely pysched out. That’s BAD because I think to myself: What’s the use? I’ll never get there, so why bother trying?

I am trying to keep from comparing myself to other authors and writers. Back in 2005, a bunch of us started off on the same level. Now? I am way behind while most of them have published, some multiple times, some are NYT Bestsellers. If I think of myself in relation to them, I feel like a big failure. But if I focus on my own path, then I’m OK.

I have to say that no, I do not have the courage to take a three-month hiatus from social media. Part of the reason is that I use some of it for networking. I DO, however, have the courage to cut down my social media time, especially tumblr and facebook. I’ve already cut out the facebook games, something I thought I’d never be able to do, and I have cut down my time on facebook in general. I think, if I severely limit myself, I can still achieve some goals.

If I were to do such a thing, I’d have to tell people not to contact me through social media. I’d have to tell them to email me or text me. I’d also have to fill up my tumblr queue so that my blog wouldn’t go inactive. Maybe I can make that happen, but I don’t really WANT to! But I definitely do want to cut my social media time down. There are many reasons why that would be a good thing, not all of them having to do with writing.

Here’s today’s prompt:

Freewrite about a book you’ve read or a movie you watched that had a rotten ending. How would you have changed it? Did the author or screenplay writer screw up a plot choice or a character choice?

OH MY GOD. I can go on about this. I recently watched Breaking Dawn Part 2. Now, I am pretty tolerant of bad movies because I like to make fun of them. And I was watching this particular movie with RiffTrax turned on. Thank goodness. The movie itself really was pretty bad. A whole lot of nothing happened, so when the epic battle scene took place at the end, I got all excited. FINALLY some action! Finally… SHIT WAS GETTING REAL!

And then…and then… it turned out to be a vision. A VISION. The screenwriters had finally seriously raised the stakes, had me excited and like WOW, then it turned out to be fake?

I felt cheated and betrayed. I mean, first of all, they’d strayed from the book a LOT. Which was fine–lots of movies do that. Whatever. But to stray from the book so much only to turn around and trick us like that? It was terrible!

It was a plot choice that was screwed up. I would have left it as is, as devastating and things were. As unexpected as they were…because that’s REAL. The whole “it was a vision” thing is such a copout, and ONLY WORKS IF YOUR MOVIE IS CALLED THE WIZARD OF OZ. It was like “Heeheeheee, just kidding!”

I’m sure some people felt relieved. Good for them. But I felt angry and annoyed. I thought the ending was terrible and I didn’t even want to see the resolution at the end after that.

Well, I’ve managed to keep this up, and now I am on day ten. I feel like I should reward myself or something.

Lord knows I don’t feel like writing today–I’ve spent too much time goofing around on the internet and I’m sick of looking at my screen–but I’m doing it anyway.

As fast as you can, jot down ten ideas for books you want to write, limiting yourself to one sentence or phrase per idea. Then return to the idea that feels the easiest to describe more fully and give yourself the rest of your fifteen minutes to expand on it.

Well, I don’t think I have ten ideas floating around. I’ll do what I can, then.

1. an elite gymnast struggles with her dream as the pressures of national competition get to her, and as she deals with her longing to have a “normal” life versus going for the ultimate prize.

2. a high schooler starts dating a boy, and finds out he’s a prince. (yes, I know it’s been done, but it’s still fun)

3. a group of students with special powers are sent to a special school for training, not immediately realizing that the administration doesn’t necessarily have their best interest at heart.

4. an intense summer love story that ends in scandal and heartbreak.

5. a high school student breaks the status quo by challenging her school’s “tradition” of having segregated dances.

…. and that’s all I have for now. Good Lord, do people really have ten ideas floating around in their heads? Or more even?

The one I’d love to work on is #1–the gymnast. An elite gymnast has to make a LOT of sacrifices. I’d love to get in there and work through what she’d be thinking and feeling as she struggles with chasing her dream, but thinking of what she is missing in her “normal” life.

I have a lot of research material for this particular story, and I have somewhat of an idea of where I want it to go, but I have no idea how to execute it. I suppose that’s where drafting comes in. Or maybe free writing. Just to see what happens.

I want to touch on some of the technical aspects of gymnastics, some of the mental and physical work that elite gymnasts have to do, the sacrifices she needs to make, and the desires and longings. Of course there would be a potential romance–which is a built-in conflict in itself. And maybe one day she just wants to eat pizza and drink a Coke.

Gymnastics fascinates me, and I’m a sucker for a love story, and junk food is so deliciously naughty, so I’d want to incorporate all of those in. Elite gymnasts have to be strong–where could I sneak in some vulnerability–some chinks in the armor?

This is not a story I want to work on right away, though. I don’t feel *ready* yet. Ha. But it’s definitely something to explore down the road.

I don’t get a lot of STORY ideas, but I am always getting ideas for story elements. Certain character quirks or scenes that I’d like to happen, or backstory I’d like to weave in. I do enjoy losing myself in the worlds I build–if only I’d stop daydreaming about them and write them! 🙂