I start writing this entry at 4:20am, December 14, 2009. I just did a quick read through of my first ever submitted manuscript ONLY YOURS. The one that landed me my agent. I couldn’t believe the gamut of emotions that ran through me. Emotions like “Really? He liked this? Then I got to the meat of the story. My heart is still pounding. I can’t believe I wrote something like that. I have to be able to do that again, but even better. Cause this time I want to actually publish.

But the reason I cracked open the Word file in the first place was to see if I could remember the joy I got from writing back then. When I would rush home to write. When I’d stay up all night and write. When I’d write every free moment I had. Breaks/lunch at work. Notebooks. I wrote every chance I got. Now it’s like I try to avoid writing every chance I get. Where did that love go? That excitement and joy?

That’s not to say that I am not writing. I am. Just not at the feverish, passionate pace I used to write. And I want that passion back!

How do I get it back?

I realized that I’m not a prolific writer. I don’t churn out 43895893 stories a year like some amazing people. Characters marinate in my head for months and years before I even know what to do with them. Then I have eleventy billion false starts. Then it happens. The magic happens. So, I know I should be patient, and let things simmer. I guess I’m the Crock-Pot of writing. It takes a long time for things to heat up for me.

One thing that can hold me back is THE NAME. My main character has to have the PERFECT name, or I don’t want anything to do with her. Nothing fits. The story just won’t work unless I have the right name for her. I have a baby names application on my iPhone, that’s how bad it is. Minor characters–their names usually pop up early and stick around. Those are easy. But the main character’s name…I have a hard time choosing the right name.

Is it an excuse? Because really, all it boils down to is that I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to work my butt off on a book only to have a billion editors say NOPE again. I’m scared it’s going to suck. I’m scared that I won’t even LIKE doing it, and that it’ll feel like work or torture. When I first started this journey in a serious manner years ago, I had a bunch of friends who were on equal ground with me. We were all unagented, then we all got agents together. They’ve ALL gone on to publish, some of them have loads of books out or coming out. And I’m still languishing. I’m scared that I’m going to try again, and I’ll fail again. But then, the real failure is not even trying, right?

So, for my current WIP, one I’ve been working (and when I say working, I mean simmering/marinating characters, false starts–oh, I’ve lost count of the number of false starts this one has had) on for about two years now, I think I finally have a name for the main character. I am not working out of the home currently, so if I can get off those dang Facebook games (curse you Zynga for making such cute little games), I can really get some headway made.

It’s time I stop talking about writing, and actually WRITE. For real! No more marinating. It’s time to cook.
(FOR REAL THIS TIME. GOD, AM I SOUNDING LIKE A BROKEN RECORD OR WHAT? GAH.)

‘Til next time.